part #2

DETOXIFICATION...not for those with a weak stomach

lets just say that i am so NOT a huge fan of the whole process

(doubtful that anyone out there wants to hear all the gory details of my adventure so i will move on)

just on a side note...does anyone know HOW i can go for days without eating a bite of food and not one person notices BUT when i try to sneak an oreo cookie my kids hear the crinkle of the bag and are all over me like flies on fly paper!?!?!?

HAPPY THOUGHTS...not for those with a weak stomach

lets just say that i am so NOT a huge fan of the whole process

(this i am sure you are wanting to hear about)

first let me remind you that i was the one that came up with this scenario...it was not any sort of punishment or penance from my AP (in fact she didn't have a clue what i was doing until after)

second let me remind you that i was the one that initiated this and i was going to be the one to end it.

third let me remind you that i am known to occasionally be somewhat sarcastic at times...and that lightning storm the other night was really scaring me a tad bit.

ok...thursday afternoon went pretty well (i was still miffed at myself and pretty submissive)

friday i worked all day and other than a co-worker bringing me an entire plate of sweets that i graciously had to turn down i did pretty good...didn't hurt anyone.

friday night was rough...both on the DETOX and the HAPPY THOUGHTS.

i was hungry

i had a headache

i felt like crap

and i was not able to gripe or complain...so i didn't (exactly)

i REALLY REALLY hope that GOD has a sence of humor (i always figured he did since he gave ME and TIM three girls...he must)

for the next couple of days...

*thank you for allowing the makers of ADVIL to be born

*thank you for allowing the makers of TYLENOL to be born

*thank you for not allowing me to actually die during that last stent in the restroom because my children need one parent around.

*thank you for allowing the inventors of flush toilets to be born

*thank you for allowing the inventors of room deodorizers to be born

i think you are getting the picture by now...it started off good then got a bit scary but soon i seemed to enter into this "odd" place where everything seemed to settle down and i was half-way human again.

i would listen to christian music on my IPOD and just chill in my room...many songs took on a new and relative meaning to me. the praise and worship and thanksgiving actually became legitimate and sincere. the DETOX symptoms faded and i actually started to feel pretty good.

i was finding more and more to be thankful for and actually enjoyed spending so much time conversing with GOD>

am i cured from my food addiction? absolutely not

am i cured from having negative thoughts? absolutely not

but i did find that i can live off of a lot less food than i tend to wish to consume and i can be positive and grateful and not always look at the negative side of things.

so...am i glad that i spent 84 hours not eating and spending much time in prayer? absolutely.

(am i anxious to do it again anytime soon? absolutely not)

thanks for checking in

tammy

ps...you really didn't think that i was going to reveal where i hide my emergency "comfort" food did you?? how silly.

part #1

for starters...as the previous blog implied...i was a mess last week.

*i am still adjusting to working full time

*i am still adjusting to missing soccer games (because of working full-time)

*i am still adjusting to NOT eating whatever i please whenever i please

*i am still adjusting to missing tim and this funeral just tipped the scales slightly over what i was able to cope with on a daily basis.

*i am still adjusting to some kid issues we are dealing with

*i am still adjusting to having a college student

*i am still adjusting to life as a single "parent"

(and i haven't even started to adjust to me being a single "person" yet)

with all that being said i have slowly started to avoid those things that used to be so near and dear to me...like daily devotions (bible reading) and set-aside daily prayer-time and as those things faded the carbs started creeping in for comfort and the carbs made me tired so the exercise faded and it all became a viscous cycle.

so...what happens when you get so frustrated and you are in the house all alone not having an ounce of hunger but consuming massive qualities of food and all of the sudden you realize that SOMETHING has to be done and it has to be done soon? if you are me...you pray.

so...what happens when you get so frustrated and you are in the house all alone not having an ounce of success in the prayer department...and all of the sudden you realize that SOMETHING has to be done and it has to be done soon? if you are me...you fast.

interesting concept...fasting.

do you know that there are many reason why a person would consider fasting...some are spiritual and some are physical and some (like mine) are a combination of the two.

fasting for health reasons implies the giving up of food in order to DETOX and allow your body to heal itself

fasting for spiritual reasons is not just about giving up food but it is about feeding the spirit...you often hear the terms "fasting" and "prayer" together.

so...the SPUR OF THE MOMENT plan was to fast. period.

that was it...i was upset and i needed to do something so i made a plan...i was going to fast.

i didn't know exactly how i was going to go about it

i didn't know exactly how long i was going to do it

i didn't know exactly if i was going to be able to do it

but i started anyway...it was a THURSDAY afternoon...at some bizarre time like 22 minutes after some afternoon hour. BIG PLAN!!! but i was determined!!!

so i decided i needed rules:

1. no food

2. only water
3. no complaining to GOD

4. no whining to GOD

5. no asking GOD for anything

6. ONLY praise, thanksgiving and worship allowed

7. don't tell anyone what you are doing

8. until further notice...

so here is a quick overview:

i immediately started a full scale water only fast on a thursday afternoon and...

everytime i wanted food i instead offered praise to GOD

everytime i thought about food i instead offered thanksgiving to GOD

everytime i day-dreamed about food i turned my focus to GOD

HE got a LOT of attention in those first few hours

HE got a LOT of attention in those first few days

i would say that we became BUDS...and i mean that in the most respectful and sincere way.

now if you think that taking away all my food and leaving me with gallons and gallons of aquafina water was easy...

and if you think that spending every waking hour talking with GOD with a positive and pleasant and thankful spirit was easy...

then you probably will want to come back tomorrow and see just how EASY it was.

thanks for checking in

tammy

interesting thought...

what do you do when you have reached a point in your prayer life when all you feel like you are doing is complaining and whining and asking why this and why that...

what do you do when you have reached a point in your personal life when all you want to do is eat...sweets, caffeine, carbs, protein, fats, cardboard would even do...

this is where i was just after another "dewalt" funeral and i was frustrated...frustrated with life...frustrated with death...frustrated with just about everything and everyone...especially me.

i do talk a lot about my diet on this blog

i do not talk a lot about my religious beliefs on this blog

but the two worlds have just recently collided so tomorrow or the next day you are going to get a quick overview of how this totally frustrated christian lady dealt with her dilemma....some of you are going to be surprised at my response...some of you are going to be confused at my response...some of you will not really have an opinion on the matter and some may have an opinion but choose not to share it.

don't ya love it...

if you choose to come back...

you will read abit about my prayer life and my devotional life

you will read abit about my recent diet issues and the way i respond to stress in my life

you will read abit about my personal relationship with my GOD

you will read abit about where i hide my devil dogs

ok...i bet you will ALL come back now

thanks for checking in

tammy

the flat...

the two flats...

i know that most of you out there who know my kids will find this hard to believe but one day last weekend my daughter found herself driving down the interstate without her cell phone in her possession. (i know...totally unbelievable but this is a true story).

she was around the carlisle exit of 81 south and all of the sudden her front tire BLEW...like totally instantly flat...luckily she was able to get off to the side of the road without incident...thank GOD for that.

so...here sits a 16 year old (female) all alone without a cell phone in a mini-van on the side of the highway...yep...you guessed it...she decided "i am not staying here".

apparently she was close enough to the exit that she could see it so she "slowly" drove on the berm of the road down the exit across the street into the parking lot of the tractor supply co. still alone and still with no phone...or so we thought.

soon...actually very soon...a nice young (somewhat attractive) gentleman offers his assistance and asks if she needs to borrow his phone. i can't say that i am positive that i am the FIRST call that she made but at some point she did call me and ask what she should do.

now...i am just coming off the night shift weekend and am slightly sleep deprived so when she called me on a boy named dale's cell phone who followed her to the tractor supply co...i was slightly confused. so as we were sorting all this out on the phone she proceeds to inform me that not only is the one tire blown but now her and dale are watching the second tire go flat.

did you all know that AAA will not deliver tires...only put on spares

did you all know that most people do NOT carry two spares

(although we soon came to find out that the front wheel was so bent that we couldn't replace the tire anyway...in fact i am quite certain that there is no name for the actual shape of the rim)

so i am up and off to the tractor supply co parking lot in carlisle to assess the damage and make sure she does not get too much assistance from the multitude of guys that keep staring at my slanted...very slanted mini-van.

to make a long story short we ended up having to have the van towed...and as long as i bring a check for $310 i can pick it up friday after work. when questioned about what we learned from this experience...it was a classic 16 year old response:

FIRST...the are lots of HOT guys that shop at the tractor supply co

SECOND...never travel without your cell phone

THIRD...it is best to not drive down the highway, off the ramp, across the street and into a parking lot on an already flat tire

yes...that was the order.

and you all wonder why i crave chocolate...

and if you happen to see my hubcap up on the highway...

thanks for checking in

tammy

lost a friend

cancer is a terrible thing.

just over a year ago i lost my husband to that dreaded thing

just a couple of days ago i lost a friend to that dreaded thing

when i was about 15 years old i had a friend...this friend introduced me to horseback riding and learning to drive a stick-shift (on the column) and how to change a flat tire on a car.

when i was about 25 years old i married her first cousin...this cousin became my soul-mate and the father of my three beautiful daughters.

both of these "friends" were taken away too soon...today they are both together again.

cancer is a terrible thing.

tuesday night is the viewing and wednesday morning is the funeral...this will be my first funeral since tim's. not expecting it to go real well but i will muster up all i can muster to get through it for the family. this family was always there for tim and i during the years of treatment and hospital admissions...tim and donna would sit and chat about chemo treatments and radiation and when they would say enough is enough. tim's battle ended a bit sooner than donna's but she always had told him that if he got to heaven first to watch for her...she wouldn't be far behind and in many ways she couldn't wait to get there.

say a prayer for the family...it's rough.

she was just a few years older than tim.

thanks for checking in

tammy

who's crying now?

i was actually on the treadmill attempting to burn off a portion of those orange cream calories and that song came on my IPOD...i just cracked up.

who's crying now?

why something so good can hurt so bad

neither could change their headstrong ways

so many wrongs or rights

only so many tears you can cry (that is where i beg to differ)

and they thought they were singing about LOVE...yeah right.

so...by now you are ALL wondering what exactly did my accountability partner do or say when she found out that i went off track so soon into the 30 day BOOT CAMP...

i don't usually share my personal AP stuff with the world wide web but for some reason this time i have felt very strongly about sharing...i am not really sure why but here it is...for all of you out there who have told me that you want your own AP (you may want to re-think that)

i ALWAYS have had this guilt thing that when i mess up i have to fess up but this time i was not in a really big hurry to confess...so it was really late on saturday night when i got up enough nerve to plead for forgiveness and accept my consequences for multiple infractions that friday night.

she made me wait until sunday night to send her response...i was slightly anxious about the fact that it was taking her so long...but didn't think that it was a good sign (i was right)

something you need to know about my AP...she has this LOVING, KIND, NON-JUDGEMENTAL ANNOYING PERSONALITY...i wish that over the course of the last 6 months she would have once yelled or screamed or told me that i was an idiot...but no...this AP is cool and calm and patient and yes i find that extremely annoying.

(for all of you biggest loser fans...she is the exact opposite of jillian...but for some reason this makes me so much more guilty to have to go to her and fess up...kinda bizarre)

it was even annoying how she started the assignment...here are a few things to do to FOCUS ON RECOVERY from friday night...she sounds so sweet doesn't she??

i will not go into all the gorey details of the exact "recovery" plan that she created but i can tell you that it is taking me a whole FOUR DAYS to recover.

the first part i had to write an honest appraisal of the circumstances that led to my downfall...she included phrases like "too painful" and "soul-searching" and "honest self-assessment" and "what is motivating you to do things that derail your commitment"...deep stuff...and this is not just jotting down a few sentences. we are talking college essay. (could be my least favorite because this is when i need to actually admit that i have no one to blame but myself...and all that gross "comes from the heart" stuff)

the second part must be her favorite...the affirmation. at least she didn't make me come up with my own one this time. but i can tell you that after 4 days of this i do know that: I AM A STRONG, CAPABLE, COMPETENT WOMAN WHO CAN CONTROL MY CHOICES WITH THE HELP OF GOD AND OTHERS WHO CARE ABOUT ME. she tends to see things in me that i sometimes have trouble seeing...but she has a sure fire way of making sure that i absorbed it this time (and that is all i really care to share about that).

the last part was the dreaded...estimate the number of calories...find out how much EXTRA exercise will be needed to burn them off and get it done with in the next 4 days. normally an assignment like this would not be too big of a deal...10-12 extra miles on the treadmill over a 4 day period of time...BUT keep in mind that according to my 30 day contract i am already getting up at 5 am and walking one mile before i go into work and then every other day i am doing a weight-training and elliptical workout in the evening. add to this the fact that i work full-time plus have 3 soccer games this week plus one college prep night at the high school plus need to feed my family.

can i just tell you that i am so not a fan of orange cream smoothies any more...

there are nights i am working out until 11pm and falling into bed just before midnight and at 5am i am back on the treadmill...who's crying now? i am too old for this nonsense.

can i just tell you that i am so not a fan of orange cream smoothies any more...

i did the assignment and i did survive (barely) but i must admit that i never actually got upset with my AP for assigning it. somewhere in the course of the last few months i have learned to accept responsibility for my actions (even if there are severe consequences). maybe that book is helping...that's depressing.

will i go off track again...absolutely

will it be soon...doubtful

over the last few months i have found that i am making better choices...i still crave stuff and sometimes allow myself a treat (and yes...my AP allows special nights off and treats occasionally) but her goal is to make me aware of not only what i do BUT why i do it and how i can prevent it or perhaps avoid getting myself into stressful dieting situations.

i once again am sending out an appeal to all of you in the 'burg area...help me out. from now until the big prom day (may 8th)...no sweets or carbs for tammy. the kids are on-board if they see me cheat they are required to call my AP immediately. (rumor has it that if my kids catch me going off plan the consequences will be doubled and i am not sure that i can live through that so i have to be good...esp around the kids.)

hope you enjoyed a good laugh or two at my expense...i actually have to chuckle myself when i think back to when i was frantically digging through the cupboards to find my blender...boy was i ever on a mission...followed by hours and hours and hours of exercise and writing and thought-provoking icky stuff.

i know to many of you this sounds so totally bizarre any you wonder WHY on earth i would let someone do this to me...but have you seen me lately? a solid 45 pounds lighter (with more to lose) and able to get around without creaking and i think i may just be smiling a bit more than usual...4 nights of torturous activity to make me think twice about consuming an EXTRA 1000 calories at 9 o'clock at night...is so worth it in the long run. to me this woman is a GOD-SEND and although i can be stubborn at times she can hold her own and somehow manages to usually get through to me.

thanks for checking in

tammy

adventures with the blender...

poor little guy...

(no this is not my blender...mine was much fruitier and a lot more calories)

like i said in the previous blog...my AP and i got together and came up with a plan. it seemed simple enough and because i was feeling somewhat motivated and strong that day i may have made the rules and regulations a bit more strict than i should have...because instead of lasting 30 days i lasted a whole hot 30 hours.

something that you need to know about me and my AP...once we make an agreement...we stick to the plan...NO EXCUSES. (although if she would have given me an OUT i may have taken it this time BUT she is worth every penny i give her and she will NOT budge...so as of right now...it sucks to be me)

let me back up a bit to my friday night...for the most part i consider myself to be a pretty "chill" person. relatively even-tempered and it takes quite a bit to get me rattled...BUT friday night there seemed to be a conspiracy to see if they could get tam to break. bombarded from many levels and many different angles i was stressed, angry, sad, depressed, lonely and hungry. makes for a really scary combination. (i will not get into the details of why i was so upset because Lord knows i don't want to re-hash that night again but just so you know...the kids are still all alive and well)

you all know that i am working my way through this book...and so i thought i should maybe start to try it out...there are 7 principles to help you to NOT use excuses for bad behaviors.

so i gave it a try:

1. AWARENESS: yep...i was aware i was gonna somehow somewhere find sugar

2. ALIGNMENT: yep...ask for divine guidance to help me find the sugar

3. NOW: live in the present...yep...i wanted the carbs now

4. CONTEMPLATION: no time for that

5. WILLINGNESS: no problem there

6. PASSION: yep i was passionate about finding the sugar

7. COMPASSION: SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY THAT HUMANITY NEEDS TO LEARN...how may i serve others.

at this EXACT moment my phone rang...my friend called with an emergency. i thought...GOOD...now i can get my mind off of my problems and focus on something else for a while. how can i help you???

she had a really bad day and was craving orange cream slushies and couldn't find her blender...A SIGN FROM GOD...GO HELP THE FRIEND!!!!!!!!!

you laugh...but this is a TRUE story!!! i totally forgot about all the promises and all the consequences and grabbed the blender and ran out the door. (really...i do think i ran)

why are you still laughing...this has the potential to go bad...very bad.

PERHAPS this is not EXACTLY what the author had in mind...

because of my friends CRISIS i was able to get through the evening quite well. we sat for hours in her kitchen and griped and complained and vented and laughed and wondered what we were thinking each having three kids...then we eventually found a few good reasons for keeping them and it turned out to be a wonderful evening.

we drank sugary fruity blended drinks

we ate pasta bake

we drank sugary fruity blended drinks

we ate pasta bake

we drank sugary fruity blended drinks

i ordered bacon and onion pizza

we drank sugary fruity blended drinks

i ate bacon and onion pizza

and then i woke up out of my sugar-induced comatose state and said I AM SO DEAD!!!!

you ever hear that song from JOURNEY...who's crying now???? i am gonna tell you...it is me

stay tuned.

thanks for checking in...

tammy

if you mess up...fess up

anyone who had served on staff under one of my dear friends has heard this phrase over and over again. it was and probably still is one of his favorite sayings...and overall it is a pretty good way to live your life...UNLESS you are on my diet with my AP.

i have this "thing"...some literature call it a habit and others an addiction...i call it a BINGE TRIGGER. when i am stressed or upset i want to EAT...and once i start i find it hard to stop.

as many of you bloggers know i am attempting to get my life back on the diet and exercise track...and i kinda decided to draw up a contractual agreement between myself and my AP because i have ZERO self-control with dieting and ZERO motivation to exercise. (first mistake)

basically all the agreement says is that if for the next 30 days i stick to the pre-planned diet and exercise plan life is good...if i don't...it sucks to be me.

i guess in all my excitement to get started and all the planning i forgot one vital piece of information...i am a single mom, work full-time and have three teenagers. (ok...maybe that is three things but it was certainly my second mistake)

i bet i have your interest now...but i am tired (which you will soon understand why) and i am going to bed. stay tuned for details of my "adventure with the blender"...coming soon.

thanks for checking in

tammy

spring chicken...

this I AM NOT!!!

you can always tell when it is spring-time in the 'burg when you start to hear stories about mrs dewalt and her weed whacker...yes i STILL own the evil weed whacker and i am still determined to do my own lawn care...why i am not sure but it is what it is.

i decided that this was going to be a great weekend to do yard work because there was still a coolness in the air and those of you who know me well know that i am not a warm weather person. as you all know this is not my first season out there fighting the onion grass and the dandelions and those unidentified other green things...and over all the event went pretty well.

thanks to my father-in-law buying me a new mower last year i ONLY had to pull that cord twice to get it to start...that was AMAZING. then there was that EWW (evil weed whacker)...i am really surprised that i have any arm left after the number of times i had to pull start that silly thing. either it didn't want to start in the first place or it needed the cord replaced or i couldn't hold it any more because my arm felt like it was going to detach from the shoulder...that thing is heavy when it is full of gas and the operator is a wimp.

i did manage to save the cable cords running into the house although i can't say the same for those goofy plastic shields over the basement windows...do we REALLY need those anyway?

i was only able to physically whack the back of the house do to the cramping of the forearm and me exceeding the daily allowance for pain meds...maybe this afternoon i can get out and work on the front for a bit. (small doses work best for me...doing the work that is...not the drugs)

as far as the spring chicken comment...a couple of days ago i tripped backwards over the railroad ties we have in our driveway...thank GOD the neighbors were all inside...but boy have i been having a rough time recovering from that spill. scraped up the back of my leg pretty good and knocked a few things (i was unaware i even had) out of alignment i think. no spring chicken anymore...and certainly not so graceful during the fall either. don't you just love all those thoughts that go through your head when you are falling backwards to the hard driveway...

not thoughts like...hope i don't break an arm or hope i don't break a leg or hope i don't hit my head

but rather thoughts like...hope the neighbors aren't out watching or hope i can get back up before a car comes down the street or i hope i don't get blood on this new shirt...BIZARRE i know.

but i survived and all is good. hope you all had a wonderful weekend...i am off to a field hockey game.

thanks for checking in

tammy

boot camp

it has been determined that my self-induced plateau should NOW come to an end and that i should get back on track with the diet and exercise...

it was a nice little break from the rigid rules and regulations but i have to agree that i am ready to get back on track...i REALLY feel so much better when i am exercising and avoiding the sugar and the carbs.

today was my first OFFICIAL day and the plan is to stay on track without any slacking off for a total of 30 days...we have affectionately named this BOOT CAMP for lack of a better term that i would be willing to post on-line. i am being watched...by both my AP and my kids. and as of right now i suppose all of you out there in cyber-space too...goody.

why the 30 days? my daughter tells me that it takes about 21 days to break OR create a habit...i have never been known to be the sharpest tool in the shed so i thought a little extra time wouldn't hurt.

30 days to get my self back into a routine of eating healthy, taking vitamins, drinking enough water, exercising, daily devotions, ect...

30 days to break the sugar/carb habit (or addiction or whatever one prefers to call it)

so the next few blog entries will be a breakdown of my experiences getting back into the routine...should be some interesting things to report. more exercise stories and more excerpts from my no excuses book that i am still trudging through so stay tuned...

thanks for checking in

tammy

chain of events...

a typical day at the dewalt household...

mid-morning i check my e-mail and find an e-mail from the guidance counselor at the school informing me that she is concerned that ashley has signed up for a dodge ball tournament...

at noon-time i call the concussion doctor to see if she should be playing dodge ball yet...like i already don't know the answer (but it is always better to have a higher authority than mom make a decision like that)

after a 20 minute conversation weighing the risks and the benefits of allowing her to enter the tournament the doctor decided to let me decide (with some recommendations if she did play). oh goody!! this is a tournament to raise money for the haiti relief fund so i didn't want to just tell her she couldn't do it if she really felt strongly about it but i also know that there are risks involved with another head injury.

so...after work i decide that i needed to sit her down and chat about her deciding to play and how badly she wanted to play and yadda yadda yadda and you will never guess what she said to me...

MOM...did you really think that i would sign up for a dodge ball tournament without asking you first???? (i call this the shrinking mom syndrome)

apparently she NEVER even considered joining the tournament BUT her and a friend were JOKING around in class saying that they should get a team together and go HARD-CORE and make t-shirts and signs and stuff...and a teacher overheard part of the conversation and told the guidance counselor who then told me who then called the doctor and here we are...feeling foolish.

i guess there is a lot to learn about this day...i guess the doctor had no reason to doubt me and i had no reason to doubt the guidance counselor and she had no reason to doubt the teacher that heard the conversation...BIZARRE.

ashley said...MOM...next time just text me and ask!!!

i think i may just have to do that. it is not just the kids that get only part of a conversation and go with it...maybe we can all learn from my wacky day. i was impressed though with how quickly the school responded to something that they THOUGHT might be dangerous for one of my kids. they have really been great...we keep an open line of communication and that is reassuring for me. she still has testing issues and she is exempt from taking the large junior year PSSA tests that are coming up. so...keep praying that we get a FULL RECOVERY soon. the longer the symptoms last post-concussion the more likely they will be permanent. she still has her senior year of high school, SAT's and 4-years of college that she is interested in...

thanks for checking in

tammy