mini-sabbatical is over...

...i wish i could give you a "good" reason for my total and complete meltdown with regards to my diet over the holiday but i can't seem to narrow it down to one particular reason.

some of the options:

the pure and simple fact that it is the holiday

the stress of the new "full-time" position

the missing the love of my life so much

the being surrounded by food at all times

the list could go on and on and on...but whatever the reason i had to come to grips with the fact that it was time to get back on the wagon and get myself together and be serious again.

i feel that i owe some of you an apology because i had asked you to keep an eye on me and let me know if you saw me slipping...many of you saw me slipping and you had the guts to tell me and yet i still blew you off...i am really sorry. i feel terrible that i gave some of you a hard time and in my own way kinda told you to "bug off". bad bad tammy. i am really sorry.

i guess i was in the middle of a emotional meltdown and i got a bit snippy over the diet stuff. i actually was a REBEL and not only stopped dieting but i starting eating all the stuff that i know is dangerous for me to eat...MAJOR CARBVILLE. i have to think that it was mostly the stresser of missing tim at the holiday's that sparked such a terrible response but even so that is no excuse.

i had a long talk with my AP and we decided that i need to find a way to separate my "diet issues" from my "widow issues". they are two totally separate issues and the one can't keep feeding off of the other one. we are trying to work through this but in the meantime...i am back on track and not so scary anymore.

if you happened to be one of the poor unfortunate souls that came into contact with me over the last 10 days or so...please forgive me if i offended you and PLEASE don't quit on me. keep on watching me and don't let me scare you away. gang up on me if you have to...schedule an intervention if you have to...lock me in a closet is you have to. don't let me crash like this again. i was sluggish and had headaches and body aches and was depressed and...well, let's just say that i don't want to go there again...EVER.

i don't think that i will ever get to the point that i was at last week...at least i hope i never get to the point that i was at last week. it was a very scary place to be. emotionally i was a mess. there was only carbs going in and absolutely no exercise to burn them off...hence the reason that i gained 8 pounds in about 10 days.

i am now on track to loss those 8 pounds as fast as i gained them and then off to fight the next goal. i will be 33 pounds lighter when i recover from this set-back and i hope to head right into at least 50 pounds lighter by spring. i know that is only 17 pounds (plus the 8) but the weight is soon going to come off much slower and i want to be smart about it and not get crazy.

many of you are wondering what happened to make me get back on track

...it certainly was not my will-power. that flew out the window about 10 days ago.

...it was not my AP-in fact i re-grouped before i talked to her.

...it was not my kids harping on me.

...it was not mary driving me crazy.

it was something that happened to me on christmas day when i had someone approach me at my "lowest" point and tell me that i was an inspiration to them. they told me that they were able to begin a life-style change and they have started to lose weight (20 pounds so far...you go girl). talk about feeling like a smuck.

they had no idea that i had fallen off the wagon.

they had no idea that i cried the whole way home in the car.

i felt so selfish and i was embarrassed that i let myself get so down in the dumps to the point of gaining 8 pounds!!! this person without knowing it has turned my life back in the right direction...and i should be thanking her. i hardly feel that i could inspire anyone with all my mistakes and all my emotional baggage that i keep carrying around. but if my dieting and my blogging can help someone else i guess i will keep on dieting and keep on blogging.

i am back on the diet track and after the new year i will get back on the exercise track.

thanks for checking in

tammy

made it...

the holiday is over and my goofy work stretch is over and i actually survived.

thanks for all your thoughts and prayers and invitations...it was in my best interest to kinda keep to myself over the holiday so i had to turn down about 13 invitations for christmas dinner. i am finding out that there are sometimes that the "grief" literature is right. like when they say not to "push yourself" at the holidays. take it easy. give yourself some slack.

i am now working full-time including working the last two weekends plus the holiday and i am literally exhausted...so why am i wide awake at 2am...who knows. it is like i am in some sort of "overdrive" or something. totally wiped out tired but can't sleep...i guess i am going to have an adjustment time getting used to my new schedule.

meg was my christmas day buddy this year...i still haven't decided if it was her decision to stay home and "baby-sit" her mother or if she was just having a "different" christmas too....either way was fine and we had a great time. i came home from work and she went out and got chinese take-out for dinner...and we sat and ate egg rolls and watched chick-flicks and laughed all night. so chill. so cool. as the evening went on each movie we watched brought another kid home and by the time the third movie was on the entire clan of dewalt girls were lounging in the living room together on christmas day watching movies together...PRICELESS.

we didn't talk too much about their dad but i know that he was on all of our minds constantly throughout the last few days. there are so many memories...great memories but still so much pain. time will begin to heal the wounds and things will get better...but for now i am so proud of the way my girls handled the holiday. they sucked it up and made the best of it and kept a CLOSE eye on their mother...but that was ok...maybe i needed to be watched a bit. one could really get themselves into a major depressed state rather quickly if one isn't careful. my kids kept me focused and we all pulled through ok this year.

thanks for all the gifts and cards and invitations and prayers sent our way...everything from the flowers i received in the giant parking lot to the home-delivered christmas ham dinner to the mom's get-a-way night at the hershey lodge. the kids have received enough gift cards and stuff to keep them very occupied at the mall over the rest of their winter break. you guys are great and very thoughtful and we are so appreciative of all you do for us.

sometimes i get too focused on the narrow "poor me" saga and forget to look at the bigger wider "god is good and you will be just fine" reality. i never want you all to think that i am not grateful for what i do have and for all my blessings...i just sometimes get in a funk that i need to whine a bit. be patient and i will grow out of it...i am truly blessed.

thanks for checking in

tammy

ps...stay tuned for a post-holiday diet assessment. talking with my AP monday and we are going to re-group and get back on track. (hopefully)

expectations vs reality

my expectations of this holiday were set a bit too high i believe. i guess i actually thought that just because i got a new tree and new ornaments and changed stuff up a bit plus the fact that it has been almost a year...i would be ok...that was so NOT TRUE.

preparing for this christmas has been the hardest thing that i have faced since tim passed away. he was MR CHRISTMAS and i was mrs grinch. having to become ms christmas was a real challenge...but i thought i had to suck it up and give it a try for the kids sake. what a disaster...i am sitting here at my computer on christmas eve waiting for kelsey to get home from work and tears are streaming down my face...i am such a wreck and in about an hour i have to sit and have our "family" christmas with the kids and open up gifts and be happy. i know i am going to lose it and it makes me so angry.

i am not angry about having to do the family thing...i am angry that i can't seem to pull myself together. i know that i have to be patient and give myself time...but i am a mess tonight. i couldn't even muster up enough energy to go to church tonight. i knew that i would sit there and think about how tim is up there at the biggest most awesome birthday celebration that anyone could ever imagine. i knew that i would cry through the entire service. i knew the kids would worry about me...so we stayed home (although it is doubtful i am going to make it through the night without a meltdown).

so i guess the reality of this christmas 2009 is that for me it is really sucky. i miss tim terribly and i miss his child-like love of the holiday...he loved everything about christmas. the reason for the season...the giving of the gifts...the family and friends gathering together...the caroling...the reading of the scriptures...absolutely everything.

i know that all the literature says that the holidays are always rough...but i never dreamed that they were going to be this painful.

such a huge part of me is missing without tim and i am struggling to fill it with anything. (not even chocolate is helping).

so...for all of you out there who have lost a loved one...i feel your pain. for all of you out there sitting with your loved ones...give them a big hug, tell them you love them and make this christmas a great one because i for one know that you never ever know what this next year will bring. live out each day like you might not get this one again next year.

i know each year will get better with time.

i know it is to soon to expect sanity.

but those of you who know me best know that i hate this emotional garbage...i am so not a fan.

i wanted to shoot out a happy holiday greeting blog post tonight but i pride myself on my honesty and "real" blog entries...so this is what you are going to get. a bit of a bummer tonight but i will pull through just fine. i will get through tonight and my kids will help. and tomorrow i have the most amazing co-workers that will help me get through the day. i will be fine...and soon this year will be over and there will be no "first times"...you know...the first high school graduation without tim...the first thanksgiving without tim...the first christmas without tim

for those of you who have been around for a while...go back and check out the blog from december 27th, 2008. just two days after last christmas we told the world that tims days were numbered...talk about a tear-jerker blog. sorry about that but it was what it was...just like this is what it is...crappy.

i am glad that i am working the next few days...it will keep me focused on something besides me and my grieving issues.

please keep our family in your prayers throughout the next few weeks...they are going to be rough but with god's help and your prayers and love and support we will get through just fine. we roll right from christmas into the new year directly into the one year anniversary. good time for me to be going full-time. down-time is sad-time. keep me busy.

thanks for checking in and i REALLY DO HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY...i just can't be overly jolly this year...sorry

tammy

finally...

it is now totally official...i got the full-time job

i got the job i wanted

i got it when i wanted it

i found out today at 3:35pm that i officially started yesterday...kinda odd but good

so why do i feel so overwhelmed...perhaps because i am petrified.

trying to be a decent single parent (ie supermom)

trying to keep a household together

trying to maintain my head above water doing all those things that need to be done

trying to diet and exercise (which by the way has kinda taken a little "holiday")

i am really petrified.

i told someone today it was time that i grew up and became the responsible one...but i never said i was going to have to like it.

i am thrilled that i got this job...the timing was perfect. thanks for all your prayers.

i now have very affordable health insurance, dental insurance, and vision insurance

i now have double my income since i am working double the hours

i now have partially paid tuition at PSU for megan

i now have extra vacation days

i now have paid holidays

i now have colitis

my head is spinning...i have such mixed feelings about this whole transition into full-time work. but it was time and i knew it was time...i am just a little nervous about the whole thing.

keep me in your prayers as i jump head first into this new adventure...now joining the multitudes of single parents in the full-time working world somehow making it work out just fine.

more details of my new position to follow once all the details are hashed out.

thanks for checking in

tammy

part #2 in the kitchen

as if being in the kitchen while grieving isn't enough i also am in the kitchen while dieting...

this is where the "being institutionalized" comes into play.

i am not sure if you noticed the menu but the majority of the items prepared are NOT on my diet. peanut butter fudge, chex muddy buddies, chips and homemade chip dip, pasta to go with the homemade meatballs and sausage...

some days i think that i am being tortured from just about every angle...

the job hunt is stressful

the grieving is stressful

raising teenagers is stressful

but ultimately the thing that is ALWAYS on my mind these days is the DIET>

the diet is stressful enough when i am not in the kitchen...but deciding to spend an entire day in the kitchen with enough sweets and carbs to fuel a small town is pure torture. i am not sure how many of you out there will admit it but i am would classify myself as a "finger-licking" cook. everything that i make i have to taste...to be sure that it is ok to serve company (even if they are only teenagers).

the chip dip needs to be tasted on a chip to make sure it is just the perfect consistency

the fudge needs to be tasted to make sure it is just the right texture and firmness

the chex mix needs to be tasted to make sure i didn't put too much powdered sugar on them

the spaghetti needs to be tasted to be sure it is just a hair past al dente

then for some reason i felt the need to make sure the spaghetti tasted ok with the meatballs

if my AP finds out about this she will have me power-walking from now right into the new year (non-stop). she is in chicago on business...out of sight out of mind. my bad.

i guess i am not "cured" yet. anyone know where i could get a temporary mouth-wiring set that i could use while in the kitchen. or perhaps some duct tape. it is not that i purposely wanted to eat all these things. i believe it was more like a habit i haven't broken yet...kinda like a reflex.

make something-taste something

make something-taste something

haven't had those carbs for quite awhile and all i wanted to do all evening was SLEEP. how in the world did i function all that time eating all those carbs. must have been sleep-walking.

i am either going to have to have constant supervision while in the kitchen or else stop going into the kitchen...maybe i could install a video cam feed right to my AP's computer...nah

as you can tell i am still under pressure while dealing with my diet...i have really done well but i still have my days when i totally lose it and slip up. keep me in your prayers. boy those chips and dip were wonderful...i will probably dream about them for days. (at least until i have to walk 43 miles-probably up hill in the snow-for eating them).

meg comes home tonight...ETA about 10pm

very exciting.

thanks for checking in

tammy

lets talk about...

me in the kitchen.

very scary.

even with me not being on a diet it was scary but add a low carb diet and an ipod and what you have is something just short of "needing to be institutionalized".

i am sure that most of you are wondering WHY i would go into my kitchen (since i don't really cook). funny the things your kids can get you to do...meg sent me her WISH list of food...you know that list that she has been craving since heading out to school.

... i head out to the grocery store this morning and buy all the ingredients for the WISH list plus a few other things i know she likes. so far so good.

...i go get my new toy and put it on praise and worship shuffle. (first mistake)

...i am making about 100 meatballs with sweet and hot sausage. does anyone know the last time i made those meatballs which happens to have been one of tim's favorites (second mistake)

...i made a decision a while back to take off my wedding rings. (third mistake)

...and for some odd reason i decided to make peanut butter fudge which happens to be the absolute favorite mr tim food that i ever made. (fourth mistake)

so...here we go. i am jamming the music and make my fudge first which actually goes pretty well until a song came on talking about "faith for the widow" and "strength for the weak" and i kinda lose it...but i make a quick recovery. (really how many songs are there out there that mention a widow????)

off to the meatballs. ALWAYS ALWAYS the first step in meatball making 101 is the removal of the wedding rings. ouch.

i am now tearing up freezing my hands off mixing the cold meat with the other three ingredients (remember never more than 4 ingredients) my hands hurt so bad and now tears are streaming down my face while mixing the meatballs and the song that starts playing is "it is well with my soul". a part of me wanted to throw the mixture out the window but as i stood in the kitchen listening it actually became soothing. (thought of you dd).

when peace like a river attendeth my way

when sorrows like sea billows roll:

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say,

it is well, it is well, with my soul.

though satan should buffet, though trials should come,

let this blessed assurance control,

that christ has regarded my helpless estate,

and hath shed his own blood for my soul.

my sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!

my sin, not in part but the whole,

is nailed to the cross, and i bear it no more,

praise the lord, praise the lord, o my soul.

for me, be it christ, be it hence to live:

if jordan above me shall roll,

no pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

thou wilt whisper thy peace to my soul.

but lord, 'tis for thee, for thy coming we wait,

the sky, not the grave, is our goal:

oh, trump of angel! oh, voice of the lord!

blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

and lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

the clouds be rolled back as a scroll:

the trump shall resound, and the lord shall descend,

even so, it is well with my soul.

i did recover and the meatballs actually turned out pretty well (not too salty). i don't want meg to feel bad for requesting them because it seems to be one of those stupid RITUAL things that you must go through and deal with-then you are better for awhile. i am better for awhile.

never would have thought that peanut butter fudge and meatballs could spark such a reaction. and perhaps if i was playing van halen i would not have had such a reaction...but i am actually glad that i was playing the music that i was playing. plus it could be related to the fact that i was at the cemetery yesterday...that didn't go real well either.

i need to remember that this christmas is going to be different but compared to the last few christmas's tim is SO MUCH in a better place. he suffered so much and it always seemed to be worse at the holidays. i will take the sadness and loneliness anytime over having to watch him suffer the way he did.

thanks for checking in

tammy

ps...stay tuned for part #2 me in the kitchen while on a diet.

it's official...

...i still HAVE NOT had my interview. perhaps it was all just a dream

...i still HAVE hit my minus 30 pounds before the holiday...infact i checked in today at a whopping 33 pounds below my starting weight. with news like that i didn't even mind eating only a salad at my work christmas PASTA party. (go figure)

had to break down and go buy a belt...kids were a little disturbed that i was using clothesline to hold up my jeans...can't imagine why??

about the whole exercise thing...i do listen to music while i walk. i started out taking one of the kids ipods downstairs and putting it on "shuffle" which randomly plays whatever music it feels like. that wasn't working for me...my teenagers and i have slightly different tastes in music.

so...for christmas i decided to ask santa for my own ipod. it recently arrived and was engraved:

mom's ipod

do not touch

now it was time to put on some "more appropriate" music. YEA RIGHT...

i tryed walking to my praise and worship music and that was a fail.

i tryed walking to my more appropriate grown-up music and that was a fail.

so off i went to the itunes store and spend a small fortune downloading my WALKING music. it pretty much consists of THE CARS, STYX, EAGLES, BOSTON, PAT BENATAR, BON JOVI, KANSAS, FOREIGNER, PETER FRAMPTON, JOURNEY, EARTH WIND AND FIRE, QUEEN, SUPERTRAMP, STEVE MILLER BAND, THE ROLLING STONES, CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL, GUN'S AND ROSES...did i date myself yet???

shouldn't have to worry about my kids borrowing my ipod anymore. (but i will have to make sure kevin d. doesn't take it).

the kids say i am obsessed with my new toy...maybe

i walk between 3-5 days a week depending on my schedule.

i walk a minimum of 1 mile (rarely) but usually 2 miles (takes 40 minutes) each day i walk.

(except for the day i got myself into a bit of trouble recently...i believe my AP had me at about 6 miles that day to walk off some extremely "high carb" poor food choices...i have been REALLY GOOD lately)

my treadmill sits right next to that evil sister machine...the elliptical. i don't usually say that i hate anything but in this case i absolutely positively HATE that piece of metal. my first time on the machine i lasted 30 seconds and about blew a gasket sweating from places that girls are not supposed to sweat. i have now actually made it to a record high (once) of 7 minutes. usually i shoot for 5 but i get off when my heart rate reaches over 180 or i can see my heart pumping through my shirt.

small steps...exercise is not my thing although since i started to walk i have noticed that once i get help out of bed...i do feel better. my breathing is a lot better and that is a good thing. i have gone from 3 aleve in the morning down to 1 aleve a day. things are getting there...slow but sure.

thanks for checking in

tammy

it's unofficial...

it's unofficial...but i might maybe have my interview on monday!!! yes, i was once again postponed. the only good part about the postponing of the interview is that i don't really feel that nervousness as much...more like frustration and just wanting it to be over.

it's unofficial...but i might maybe have hit my christmas goal weight a little early. i started this diet on halloween and wanted to be down 30 pounds by christmas. i cheated and checked today instead of waiting until tuesday -my official weigh-in day-and we are looking good. (sorry, i am just a little excited...sorry charlene-sorry mary)

i have been hearing a lot lately about how much i have inspired people...

i have been hearing a lot lately about how much i have motivated people...

i have been hearing a lot lately about how much i have guilted people...

where in the world were all you people when i was killing myself with carbs...

where in the world were all you people when i was setting such a bad example for my kids...

where in the world were all you people when i was a couch potato...

i guess you were not in my CLOSET since i was such a closet eater or else i would have seen you in there. yes, i admit i was a bit secretive with most of my indulgent behavior...in fact i am still finding food hidden through out my house. found a large pack of sixlets the other day...boy they were tough to throw away. (one of my favorite chocolate snacks next to snickers and M&M's and three musketeers and skor and chunkey and almond joy and heath and reese's and milky way and butterfinger and just plain ole hershey bar with almonds). i was a mess...and have a sneaky suspicion still am a bit.

i guess a lot of you were just sitting there feeling sorry for me (along with me feeling sorry for me) which i guess is ok...but PLEASE PLEASE keep a closer and more verbal eye on me now. (can eyes be verbal???)

no more pity parties allowed...i need to be strong and my AP is certainly keeping me in line but she can't be everywhere. if you see me out and about...watch close. especially now around the holiday's...i was so tempted to cheat the other day until kelsey made a comment about whether i could eat that or not...BUSTED.

i am getting all sorts of complements already and i thank you. but please remember that i have only lost 30% of my goal weight loss and i still have a long ways to go. i can't start to cave in and cheat or reward myself with food (which is very tempting) just because i have lost 30 pounds. maybe i will try and negotiate a pasta night after 50 pounds but not yet!!!! i really do have a carb addiction and just like any other addiction like alcohol or drugs or smoking...one fall of the wagon can be a disaster.

i am struggling with feeling "all that good" about myself. i still have the feelings of "embarrassment" and "loser" in my mind and i am so far from admitting that i am feeling "inspiring" or "motivating". perhaps as i get closer to my goal weight i will feel a little better about myself. but i will keep trying...thanks for all your support.

i have been asked often why i picked BEFORE the holiday to start...i guess i figured that if i can lose 30 pounds with all this temptation around then it should be smooth sailing once we hit the new year...or maybe it was because for the first time in my life i was actually ready to admit that i had a problem. (and i found someone who was willing with super-human powers to deal with all my issues).

that woman is blessed. i don't like her very much most days (kidding-sorta) but she is blessed.

well, enough rambling for one night. i guess that i just wanted to say thanks for all the kudos but just remember that i am far from "fixed" and still need the KEEP MOVING...STAY FOCUSED!!!!

i have started walking on a pretty regular basis...not a huge fan. i will save those thoughts for another day.

thanks for checking in

tammy

quick update...

the interview was postponed until friday...ugh

diet still working thanks to my AP-down 28 pounds at weigh-in this week...yeah

starting to exercise a bit more...ouch

thinking about having to go christmas shopping...yuk

ash slipped on the ice but x-rays showed it was only a deep contusion on her wrist...go figure

hope to have another update soon...

thanks for checking in

tammy

the mantle is complete...

i have to admit that adding all those pepsi santa's really did help.





we have 8 of the larger santa's and they fit perfectly across the fireplace mantle.





i saw the new 2009 santa and he is adorable and i have added him to my wish list.





PEPSI has been such a huge part of our world...and in so many ways made it a great place to be. even now almost a year later i am still getting calls from tim's boss on a regular basis and e-mails and text messages from his co-workers...





after tim passed away the company told us that they were going to cover our family health insurance for one year...that was so amazing and so appreciated. i was part-time when tim passed and seeking full-time employment but as many of you know the jobs were all frozen at hershey medical center. with PEPSI covering our health insurance that took so much of the pressure off in finding full-time work.





so...here we are almost one year later and the pressure is back on...and guess what??





the job that i so badly wanted one year ago has "thawed". i don't know about you but i think that is a bit more than a coincidence. i truely believe that this was so much a GOD-THING that it gives me goose bumps. now don't get too excited...i still have to interview for the job on wednesday and i know that there were a lot of applicants.





so...now is when we pray. (pray hard). i am not a great interviewer...but i know with gods help i can get through this and say all the right things.





this job will not only give me an increased income (because i will be working twice the hours) but it will give me a really decent affordable rate on health insurance (which is ridiculous if i were to have to pay it through COBRA) and full-timers get a nice little break on PSU tuition (and we all know that will certainly help). plus i hate to admit it but i need to get out of the house more...and working full-time will help with a lot of my "depressing" down time i spend alone. i am not a real big people person (that was so much a tim thing) and this will force me out of the house which i definately need.





so...let's pray me into the minds of the ones who decide my fate. let my faults be faded and my strengths be magnified. i really need this job.





thanks for all your prayers and comments over the last tree trimming blog...you guys are great.



thanks for checking in

tammy

stage 1...the tree

...kelsey says that our tree doesn't look quite right.

...ashley says it would be better outside.

...i didn't even care to put one up.

...can you tell we are experiencing our first christmas without tim???

ever since i can remember i would avoid christmas decorating like the plague. i never was one for all the christmas hype or all the inside decorations or all the outside decorations. that was ALWAYS tim's thing and he recruited kelsey as his side-kick. they absolutely lived for christmas...it was their favorite time of the year. one year i can remember still having the tree up on valentines day and them putting hearts on it.

so...what does one do when the favorite holiday of the missing dad is approaching...first off i guess one cries alot. then one pulls oneself together and takes charge. we went out and bought a brand new tree and picked out all new ornaments and kelsey was really excited about spending the night decorating. (for about an hour). it just wasn't the same tonight...in fact, i would have to say that it wasn't really much fun at all. we all pretended that we were kinda having fun but when it was all said and done we all had to agree that something was missing...tim.

we just sat around and stared at the tree...the rest of the house is a mess and no one really wanted to do much about it tonight. maybe we will finish decorating the rest of the house...maybe we will not. we did take a vote though and one thing is FOR SURE...the PEPSI SANTA'S are coming out sometime this weekend. some traditions will not change and that one we all agree is here to stay. (for those of you who don't know...tim had a collection of pepsi santa figures and we always lined them up on the fireplace mantle...it was the only decorating the whole family would agree on)

ashley made a comment about putting the tree outside...i questioned her as to why-didn't she like the decorations we bought and she said no, the decorations were fine. it just doesn't seem like christmas and this tree is not going to help one way or the other. we talked a bit about the fact that this christmas was definately going to be different BUT that didn't mean that it had to be an all bad christmas. i don't think she is convinced.

pray for us as we enter into this holiday nightmare...not only are the kids going to be missing tim but i have to work christmas day and straight through the weekend. this is going to be a rough holiday season. i know that tim was so glad that he made it through to the new year for the kids sake...but it really doesn't make a big difference...christmas was always a daddy thing and that will make it really difficult for a while. he was such a little kid at the holidays...i will miss the kids rolling their eyes at their dad with all the goofy stuff he would come up with.

i am now on my second popsicle stick...yes, you read that right...when i get stressed i eat. i am on a diet so i can't eat so i chew-tonight it is wood. well, i do eat the sugar-free popsicle first and then i chew. almost got a splinter on the first stick so i am having a 2-stick night...not good!!! i so badly want to cook up some pasta.

i am missing tim terribly

i am a carb addict without a fix

i am worried about my girls

i am chewing wood

and it is only december 3rd...goody

thanks for checking in

tammy

the biggest loser

i have never been a fan of that show although i can't honestly say that i have ever watched a full episode (until last night). i have a lot of co-workers who love the show and since NCIS was a re-run i thought i would give it a shot and try to figure who was who so i was at least somewhat aware of who they were talking about. now that i have watched a two hour special i think i know why i don't like that show...

that show is WAY TO REAL for me. i sat there in my dark room just crying as they talked about why they needed to lose the weight and the struggles they face and why they should be picked for the show. i only know the final four...better late than never i guess...but WOW...what stories. for those of you who watch it i would love to say that i relate best to amanda-the young one, but unfortunately i see myself as more of a liz (the forty nine year old that is kinda a loner). except for the fact that liz just ran a 26.2 mile marathon last night (and i complain about walking 3 miles on my treadmill)

last night they talked a lot about how easy it was to stay focused and keep on track while "on the farm" but how hard it became when they had to come back home and live life in the daily grind like the rest of us. the girl trainer-jillian (who by the way reminds me a little of my AP) told them that they had thought that losing all the weight was the end of the battle BUT in reality that was just the BEGINNING.

i can believe that...they also talked a lot about asking for help!! i have to agree that statement is so true. i know that i could not have done what i have done this last month without the help of everyone around me. i know i joke around a bit but even the funny donut stories are so helpful in helping me to realize that this is a CHOICE and not a result of any particular circumstance. i have been blaming my circumstances for a lot of my "issues" and in reality it is all ME and only ME. (and ME still needs help on a daily basis...so don't let up on the accountablity)

yesterday was exactly one month into this diet and i am proud to say that i was 24 pounds lighter. even through the holiday week i was able to lose four more pounds.

so off we go into the hardest month of the year to be on a diet...i will be invited to dinner and lunch and coffee and parties and i will have to make choices. so far i have not had to be restrained or removed from any event but the offer is still there if you see me heading for the cheesecake or the pasta. (it is the pasta and bread that is killing me)

keep up the good work and we will be able to make it through this month and sail into the new year (perhaps needing a new wardrobe-or at least a belt to hold up my pants).

thanks for checking in

tammy