a little after midnight...

...and we are having the most amazing electrical storm.

...nights like this i REALLY miss tim.

...we would open the blinds out in the front room and watch the storm (well i would watch the storm-he would just lay next to me on the couch and tell me i was crazy and keep me company).

...nights like this i REALLY miss tim.

...thanks for checking in

...tammy

weeds vs tammy

as you all have figured out by now i am not all that fond of doing the outside "manly" yard work...or the inside "girly" house work. add that to the fact that now i have to do BOTH and it creates a whole new outlook on life...i will try to keep this PG-13.

the actual mowing of the grass has become a weekly event that i have become used to and i don't even really complain about it too much any more. the exercise is good for me and i feel somewhat "proud of myself " when i get the grass mowed and it looks so nice (is that bad?)

so you all know that my father-in-law bought me the "red" lawn mower and after some minor battles between man (woman) and machine i feel that i have won that battle... because i didn't want to have to keep borrowing the neighbors weed wacker i asked a few "guy" friends what they would recommend that i buy.

one recommended an electric weed wacker that was light weight and easy to use...the only problem is that we only have an electrical outlit on the front side of the house and that would be one amazingly LONG extension cord.

one recommended a battery operated weed wacker that was light weight and easy to use...the only problem here was that i needed to remember to keep that battery charged and when i used to borrow the neighbors i always needed the second battery to finish the yard.

one recommended that the only way to go was a "gasoline-powered get the job done" weed wacker...almost saying that the other ones were in that "whimpy" category of lawn gadgets.

the only thing i knew was that it had to be a RED weed wacker because i couldn't stand the thought of not having matching lawn care gadgets!!! so off to the store i go...you should see ALL THE CHOICES of weed wackers that are out there...i finally narrowed the choice down to 4 red ones and maybe it was because i was in a "manly" store...i found what i thought to be a "manly" 4-cycle RED weed wacker. (i had no idea what that meant other than you didn't have to mix the gas and the oil in a 4-cycle but you did have to in a two cycle). i didn't want to get a "whimpy" lawn gadget...now i wonder why i didn't want to get a "whimpy" lawn gadget...it was just a weird kind of "i can do anything i put my mind to" kind of thought...stupid thought i now know.

i was so proud of my purchase...and the fact that i brought it home AND put it together. i read the directions on how to prime and how to use the choke and how to put in the gas and how to start it...the only thing that wasn't in the instruction manual was the little side fact that my weed wacker was possessed!!!

i used to have plastic covers over all the basement windows...now i just have piles of plastic where the covers used to be.

i used to have telephone service into the house...actually we were lucky...the phone line had a hard coating over the line that is now mutilated but we still have a dial tone (for now).

i used to have a few flowers coming up out of the ground...poor things.

i used to have a box of band-aids in the house...but i had to use them all to patch up my legs (NEVER wear capri's when you try to wack the weeds with this evil weed wacker)

i used to think that doing yard work was the easy part of "the home owners responsibility" but i now think differently about the whole process of being a home owner. i actually have a brand new appreciation for all the single parents out there in cyberspace (widowed or divorced or never married) we have a tough job and each day brings new challenges. pray for us. i don't like having to be the dad and the mom every single day...it really sucks some days. and talk about an identity crisis...well that is saved for another blog.

right now my weed wacker is not functional (i have used it twice). it has no cord coming out of the little do-dad at the bottom. perhaps it is because it is scared to come out because of all the cement and brick and wood that it comes in contact with. perhaps it is jammed inside. perhaps i used it all (doubtful) killing my plastic covers.

whatever the reason i have asked a friend of mine to stop by to take a look at it (preferably while he was working). you see this friend of mine is a state trooper and therefore would be carrying a loaded gun (just incase).

i am considering e-bay or a priest.

wish me luck

thanks for checking in

tammy

growing grass...

i think that over the last few years i have used "mowing" to be a release for me. there were many times that i felt very "couped up" inside while tim was sick and in and out of the hospital and appts numerous times a week (sometimes everyday of the week). i actually felt that i NEEDED to get outside and get some fresh air and we all know the exercise certainly wasn't going to hurt either. (or did it?)

over the past years i have had to beg borrow or steal a lawn mower because ours died and we didn't really have to luxury to run out and buy a new one...so i borrowed the neighbors push lawn mower and i borrowed the neighbors weed whacker (battery operated) and life was good.

life was good...now i have to admit i am not quite so enthusiastic about the great outdoors...it is hot and there are bugs and spiders and beetles. so i decided that it was time to go out and get a new mower (compliments of my father-in-law) and a new weed whacker. if i was going to have to take care of the yard forevermore then i should have the right equipment...right??

lets start with the mower...i took my dad and my father-in-law with me because although i pretend to know what i am doing... i am clueless when it comes to small engines and lawn care gadgets. so we go to lowes (sorry debbie) and we pick out a "self-propelled" mulcher mower in RED (very cool looking). it is a pull start but so far we are getting along quite well. it starts the first pull everytime. now i don't know how many of you out there do your own yard work but you really have to be focused and a multi-tasker to do this job.

my mower requires you to hold a bar down on the handle when you pull the start cord (so technical i am). so with one hand you hold down the bar and with the other hand you pull the cord so you have to be positioned in the right direction to do this task or you may hurt yourself (trust me on this one). now i don't know about you but i am having difficulty deciding what to do with my iced coffee during this process!!! maybe i could get one of those hats with the cup holder and straws.

once the mower is running you may NEVER release that bar or the mower will stop. it will also stop if you forgot to check to see if there was any gas in the tank...

so now the mower is running and i start to push it...then i remember that i have a very cool RED "self-propelled" mower. so to get that function to work you must hold up on a bar underneath the handle. so...hold the top bar down for it to run and the bottom bar up to get it to "propel".

now someone has since told me that you can ADJUST the speed of the propel...but on this particular day i was not aware that there was a slow (turtle) and a fast (rabbit). apparently they come factory installed to "impress" the guys so it is set like a rabbit...a very ADHD rabbit. so here i am in the yard flying behind my new very cool RED "self-propelled" mower heading right for the fence...can you picture it...i sure hope so because it would be a shame to have wasted that experience for only me to enjoy!!! so my mind is going top bar OR bottom bar and my hands are frozen not knowing which bar to release...so i panic and release both. the mower stops just shy of breaking through the fence into the neighbors yard with the two evil boxer dogs.

close call...but i know i can not let this mower get the best of me (or kill me). so i start off again and actually get pretty good at that "bar" thing...so good that i get to the point that i don't need to concentrate so much (not a good thing). the back yard is pretty easy to mow except for all the "stuff" that has to be moved...but not too bad. the front yard is smaller so i have to do alot of "back and forth" with the lawn mower. one must NOT forget to release the bottom bar BEFORE you try to pull the mower backwards!!! there is one area of the yard (well it used to be yard) that i could bury a small animal. those front tires are amazingly strong...no need to go out and buy a rototiller. i have one built right in my mower if i need it.

it has been a few weeks of mowing now and i have to admit that me and the mower are hitting it off pretty well...wish i could say the same about the weed whacker...i am not a huge fan of admitting defeat but this relationship is not working out for me very well.

more about that story next time.

enjoy your memorial day holiday.

thanks for checking in

tammy

567

that is the number of times i have updated this blog as of today...wow

sorry for the delay this week...things have been really crazy around here.

for starters the twins b-day party was GREAT. we probably had between 40-45 teenagers at the house with "very little" drama and nothing broken (not that i have found anyway). boy...can they eat!!! the kids had a great time and i even had fun. a few friends stopped by and we had our own mini-party in the midst of the big party...fun times.

i handled the party and the turning 16 pretty well...until after the party. it was about 1am and we were still picking up a bit and i walked downstairs to make sure there were no more teenagers lingering and the lights were all off. i walked into the back room and there was a picture of tim on the one shelf...it looked as though he was looking right at me and smiling...

...i stopped
...i cried
...i told him he would have loved the party (although he may have thought there were a few too many boys there)
...i told him i missed him so much
...then i was ok (i use that term loosely)

next stop...meg's graduation!!!

gotta get to work...

thanks for checking in


tammy

prayer time...

...twins are having a "SWEET 16" birthday party at our house tonight.

...about 30 teenagers

...lots of pizza and wings

...lots of PEPSI products

...bon-fire with hot dogs and smores

...Wii

...hopefully lots and lots of fun with minimal drama

YES...can you all believe that tomorrow the twins turn 16. now the real fun begins. sometime next week we will head off to PDOT to take the "permit test" and then they hit the roadways.

this was one event (of many events) that i am sad to have to do alone as a single parent. first the prom and then megans "awesome" awards ceremonies and then the twins turning 16 and then megan's graduation ceremony and then her graduation party...lots of emotions hitting this dewalt household in the next few weeks. so badly wishing tim was here to share all this "good" stuff with me. i have a bunch of totally amazing kids who have a bunch of totally amazing friends. life is good. lonely and sad at times and somewhat crazy at times but good.

thanks for checing in

tammy

first "solo" dinner out

whenever my mom and i would hang out and we would leave my dad home alone he would almost always go out for dinner while we were gone instead of eating what my mom left for him.



whenever my father-in-law would get tired of cooking he would go out to dinner by himself and enjoy a nice meal alone.



well...if the two most important men in my life can do it i should be able to do it...right?



i decided that on saturday night when all the kids were doing this and that i would go out for something to eat...in a restaurant and not a curb-side pick-up or drive thru.



i was not quite ready for a cozy italian or loud steakhouse or a place where i had to deal with a waitress so i picked the next best thing: panera bread



i walked in and it didn't seem too busy so i placed my order and went and found a nice booth (with my PSU agricultural newspaper in hand). i looked around and to my surprise the 7 tables around me all had a single (as in alone) person in them...i must have hit the jackpot and found the singles restaurant...oh goody!!



i also noticed that the 7 tables around me that had the single person in them ALL had a laptop. i was the only person in the entire area with a print newspaper (fred would be proud). i actually started to laugh...boy did i feel old!!! not because everyone in there was so young but because not only did i not bring a laptop...i don't own a laptop!!! and if i did own a laptop i don't think i would have thought to take it to dinner with me...is that odd???



i was sorta wishing that i was now at the olive garden with the waiter asking me if i wanted a refill of my drink for the 4th time.



all in all it was an enlightening first dinner out...i guess i need to either buy a laptop and eat at a "wi-fi" or else buy a good book and go "no wi-fi". the nice part about panera was that not one person ever looked up from the computer to even notice that i had sat down...and that meant they didn't notice my ever so slight glances in their direction wondering what was so important on a saturday night that they would have to be working on it in a public place.



one had papers spread out all over the table...she was working



one had headphones on and was obviously listening to music...doesn't he know IPODS are much smaller and easier to tote around.



one had been checking her e-mail



one looks as though he was writing a paper for work or school



one was on the phone the entire time i was there



i wonder if any of them even know what they had for supper that night.



what a different generation...feeling old



i did OK for the first time out alone since tim passed. i am (obviously) a people watcher and enjoy just sitting and observing but it does seen kinda odd eating alone. i sit there and think of something and have no one to tell it to....and these days if i don't say it when i think it...it is gone for good!!!



so...for all of you "singles" out there for whatever reason if you have any good advice for me in these early days of dining alone please pass them on. it kinda freaks the kids out when i tell them i want to go grab a bite to eat alone and they offer to go along or fix me something here...but i don't want them to always think i need one of them with me...i want to be more independent and i want them comfortable with letting me.



another slow process.



thanks for checking in



tammy

kinda freaky...

anyone out there ever have someone "break into their home"?

kinda freaky...

anyone out there ever have someone "stroll through their bedroom when you were NOT home"?

kinda freaky...

anyone out there ever have someone "use their bathroom when you were NOT home"?

kinda freaky...

this will be one of my more memorable mother's day weekends. and i am certain that ashley will remember this weekend for a long long time.

she came home from school today to find the back door wide open and the spare key tossed in the yard...

to make a long story short...someone apparently entered our home today and although nothing seems to be missing there was definately PROOF that there was someone in our home.

anyone out there know how to install new door locks? i think the last one i put in was upside down...

the police came and gave us numerous different senerio's to consider...none of which will make ashley sleep any better tonight. (could be an all night movie marathon for us tonight)

i need to go through everything this weekend and make sure that nothing is missing (except a little piece of our mind). then a detective will be by on monday to finish up the report.

nothing can be routine and normal around this house...now i am really glad that i spent so much time in that "shooting club" back in berwick. GO LAB TEAM!!! (not much scarier than a bunch of lab techs with hand guns) i dusted off my "top scorer" trophy and put it just inside the back door with a sign that says "go ahead...make my day".

so...we are all fine...and we are a little embarrassed that we had to file a police report because someone forgot to put the toilet seat down...but that is what we did!!! (with four ladies in the house we certainly noticed) perhaps it is good that tim is not here right now because he would be HOT!!! there is a certain line that is crossed when someone enters into your home and spends time in your bedroom and uses your bathroom...

kinda freaky...

thanks for checking in

tammy

meltdown #1

you know that it is probably not a "good" thing to have to label that title with a number because that gives the "assumption" that there will be a #2...but i am pretty sure that this was not my last one.

someone out there jinxed me when they asked me if i had gone through all those "stages" of the grieving process...they asked if i was ANGRY and i said that i was not angry and that i probably already went through that stage when tim was diagnosed a few years ago...boy was that a load of B.S.

last night i was angry!!!

let me back up a bit...wednesday morning bright and early 5:30am wake up and ready for work. so far so good.

on the way out the door i noticed that if i was to go through the yard to my car i would probably need a machete but with all the rain and stuff there wasn't much i could do about it. the weeds and grass and dandelions had grown to an embarrassing length. (embarrassing for the home owner)

so off to work...pretty uneventful.

on the way home i noticed that it actually looked kinda "dry" outside so i got home around 5:30 went in the front door and changed my shoes (left on my work clothes) and out the back door to the shed.

i started the "self-propelled" lawn mower (details of the mower to be left for another blog entry )and we had a little chat about needing to get this lawn done BEFORE the rains came and off we went. 15 minutes into the mowing of the meadow my daughter calls and needs a ride home from a baseball game at the far other end of the township.

so i turn off the mower and put it away incase the rains come and run to get her. as we are getting off the front street exit i see a rain drop on my window...no way...i am determined to get this lawn done tonight!!! (besides i have been using my treadmill for 3 weeks now...i can do this).

so back to the shed and out comes the lawn mower and now i am going faster than the mower...i know that is very hard to believe but due to a minor back issue i am medicated and feeling pretty good.

you ever get to that place where you are so focused on what you are doing that you kinda zone out everything else around you? i had looked up once and saw the neighbor two doors down mowing his grass and the guy on the far side of him mowing his grass so i thought "let's get this done".

the next time i looked up i realized that the neighbors had gone inside and that i was mowing the grass in what i would call just shy of a down pour...yes...i have rain dripping off my hair and my nose and my clothes are soaked BUT i got the lawn mowed!!! now i head over to the hose to rinse off the mower and make sure the underneath is cleared off and put the mower away. by now i am totally drenched and my back starts to spasm...so i sit down in the shed for a bit and start to think...bad thing to do.

it is garbage night so i get up (barely) and drag the garbage cans to the curb and go into the house...and the first thing i hear is someone complaining that it is going to rain the evening of may 15th??? how does she know this on may 6th??? the next thing i hear is that i need to help someone with their homework (that they had weeks to get done and is due tomorrow). i move through the house and i hear that there is no food in the house (i could have sworn there was a can of red beets in the cupboard). then off the the next room and i was asked what was for supper???

now...keep in mind i worked all day and i still have rain drops dripping from my hair and my clothes are soaked and my back is killing me...welcome to MELTDOWN #1.

my best guess is that it is about 7:30pm and throw my keys on the mantle and announce that i don't really care what is for supper and that i am going to my room and do NOT want to be disturbed...GOOD NIGHT!!! and that was it...i went to my room and came out at 4am.

i will not go into details of what transpired in my room but i can tell you there was ANGER...not because my kids wanted supper or help with the homework...i hope someday they will understand that...but all those emotions that i have had stored away came crashing out. going to my room was good because the kids just think mom is grumpy tonight and they made pancakes.

what a mess i was...

i was angry at tim for not being here
i was angry at God for taking him away too soon
i was angry at the cancer for coming
i was angry at the chemo for not working
i was angry at me for not being stronger and able to cope
i was angry at the kids for not being able to understand when i am hurting
i was angry at the dog...oh that's right we don't have a dog

you get my point...

i am doing a little bit better today but now i am mostly just embarrassed. not that i am grieving necessarily but that i didn't handle it very well last night. as tim used to say..."i will try harder next time"

(the yard looks nice)

thanks for checking in

keep praying...this is tough stuff

tammy

hard to imagine...

...that i could "look so forward" to something and at the same time "dread" that same thing.

that is kinda how my weekend went. a whirlwind of EMOTION.

first on my list was the WEDDING. it was a "family" wedding-tim's side. it was a beautiful wedding (perhaps one of the coolest weddings i have ever been at). it was held in the rotunda at founders hall at the milton hershey school. i have to admit that i got a little choked up when the bride was being escorted down that staircase by her father...something that my girls will never get to experience. but i survived. the girls did great...all smiles and keeping a close eye on their mother. (tim loved all weddings but was so looking forward to this one)

then off to the RECEPTION. very nice. great food. and then they had to go and have that darn father-daughter dance to the same song that ashley and her dad ALWAYS talked about having at her wedding. (i loved her first) i actually had to step outside during that dance...ashley and i were outside and she asked me if i heard that song that was playing...i gave her a big hug and we walked for a bit. i told her that i wasn't sure what we would do at her wedding but that we would have some sort of tribute to her dad and that we would work out all the details then. (i will need some pretty STRONG medication that day)

then to totally top off the day...megan went to PROM. i was very excited and actually did pretty well with all the prom stuff. i think that because meg was so "chill" about the whole prom experience that i didn't get all that emotional. (tim would have been the one a mess for that)

megan looked beautiful. she will probably kill me when she sees this picture but i figure if she can post them on face book i should be able to post just one on my blog...

tonight megan has been invited to attend an "awards" ceremony at the high school. it is one of those "invitation only" events that you have no idea why you are going but you have to dress up and just wait for them to call your name to know why you are there. then next week she has her athletic achievement awards ceremony. BUSY KID!!!

we are SO PROUD of megan and all her accomplishments. notice i still tend to say WE alot but i guess that fits here because he was SO PROUD...that was all he talked about some days...how proud he was to be "the dad of the dewalt girls".

thanks for checking in

tammy

long week...

a week with 4 soccer games plus working the weekend has me behind on many many things.

one of those things is updating the blog...so this is just a quick note to say that i have not forgotten about you all out there in cyberspace. things are going "pretty good" and i hopefully will have an update for you within a day or so.

i will be updating on my busy weekend and flying emotions of the weekend. i knew this one was going to be a VERY EMOTIONAL weekend and i have to admit that i did much better than i thought i would. (more to follow on my next update)

have a great day

thanks for checking in

tammy