quick note...

...all is good in the dewalt home.

things are starting to get back on a "semi-normal" routine which is pretty good for us.

thanks for all the e-mails that are coming my way. i have been hearing from old friends and new friends and relatives and co-workers. i haven't gotten out too much lately in the socializing world so it is nice to get the e-mails. i love hearing from you all and i will try to reply when i get a chance. thanks for all the prayers. we still need them so keep them coming.

i worked three days over the weekend and have to work the next three so i guess we can't get into too much trouble this week. i will update again soon...but there is not too much to report lately...which is a GOOD thing i guess.

thanks for checking in

tammy

more letters

well...i thought things were going smooth trying to get all the paper work done for insurance and stuff but it seems as though almost every day i get a new request for this verification or that clarification. i will be very glad when this part of the process is all over. one day at a time.

megan is cruising along with her college stuff...today she got quite a bit of stuff from penn-state and we were looking over her suggested classes (very exciting but i think it is giving her "senioritis"). today she was filling out more scholorship applications. she has had just about as much paper work as i have had...and she has done great!!! i am very proud of her.

kelsey is getting ready for soccer season to start...official outside practices start march 3rd already. she is still doing indoor field hockey plus a little skiing here and there. keeping busy.

ashley is still recovering from her injury. i think she is doing a bit better but keep her in your prayers. her shoulder is still hurting her some. she is still trying to catch up a bit from all the school she has missed.

i am still working part-time but i have been able to add some extra days to my schedule. the full-time job that i thought i might apply for is "frozen" like so many other jobs out there...so i am very content to just wait it out for a bit. i probably was not quite ready to jump into going full time right away so perhaps it was a blessing that it was frozen. lets just pray that it will "thaw" sometime before the end of the year so i can work full time and get college benefits and be able to pick up medical benefits for the 2010 year. (pepsi is so graciously picking up our family medical insurance for one year-awesome).

this transition from being what i was to what i am has been HUGE. i can't quite explain how it feels. it is weird how you can be so lonely even in a room full of people. it is very hard to describe.

today at work i almost started to cry when i loooked into a microscope and saw a sample that so much reminded me of tim...it was the strangest feeling. i really had to fight to keep back the tears. yesterday i ran into one of his oncology doctors and he said the sweetest thing. he asked me how i was doing and all but then he said he wanted me to know that he read tims obituary and he had NEVER read anything like it before. he said it was beautiful and he was so impressed and was sad that after over three years of working closely with tim there was so much he didn't know about him.

i just have to remember that i need to take one day at a time. i thought that was only advice for while we were going through the illess but turns out to be just as important after the fact.

keep praying.

thanks for checking in

tammy

(wanted to welcome fred to the wonderful world of cyber-space...pappy has gone www)

mid-week

all is good.

just spent a couple of days with my mom. it was very nice. i brought her down on sunday and she went back yesterday. she was fun company and we worked on some of the 27 projects that i have going. i still have 27 projects but at least 2 of them are closer to being done.

i have been just taking one day at a time and i try to get a little something done each day. i think i am up to over 80 thank you cards written...for those of you who still haven't gotten one...be patient...i am still working on them. (i think i might almost be half way done).

we are in the early stages of megans college financial aid stuff...i thought filling out all those forms after tim passed away were bad...this is a challenge also. thank goodness i know a local "numbers-lady" who was able to help us with our taxes and FAFSA (federal aid) forms (thanks LAW-D).

i have NEVER had our taxes done this early but the federal government and penn state say that we needed them done before feb 15th...so we had our taxes done. it was a run around but now that they are done it is a relief. we haven't gotten all the paper work done for meg to start college in the fall but we are staying on top of things. she has been really good about keeping track of deadlines since her mother seems to have "zombie" days. (hard to keep everyting straight some days).

hopefully the first year of all this college stuff is the hardest...otherwise it is going to be a VERY LONG 6 years!!!! in two years i will have 3 kids in college at once...pray for me.

well, gotta get the kiddos up for school

thanks for checking in

tammy

i cried today

i have found out that to cry is not always a bad thing...i am not a huge fan but today it was ok.

let me just start by saying that it is becoming quite a habit that my co-workers and tim's co-workers seem to often make me cry. i am starting to think that it is a conspiracy.

back just before christmas a few of my HMC co-workers took up a collection for us and we were to use it to "brighten" up our christmas...so we did. on christmas eve tim and i went shopping and he was able to purchase 3 beautiful heart necklaces for the girls knowing very well that it would be the last christmas gift he ever bought for them. having the resources to make a purchase like that 15 days before he died was priceless...thank you.

then just after christmas tim's co-workers had a silent auction to raise funds for our family and we were so blessed. those funds were able to be used to help us get through that "gap" zone of limited income plus we were able to fulfill a promise that we made to tim to re-do "the room" in our home where he spent his last days in hospice care...thank you.

then today...i received a card from my co-workers from berwick. (a blast from the past). in addition to a card and a very generous monetary gift i received something that touched my heart more than words can express (and that is hard to do). because i am crying again (thanks guys) i had better just let you know what the note said:

THE BERWICK AREA LITTLE LEAGUE HAS RECEIVED FUNDS FOR A SCHOLARSHIP TO BE GIVEN EACH YEAR FOR A FAMILY IN NEED TO COVER THE REGISTRATION FEES FOR SOFTBALL AND/OR BASEBALL. THE FAMILY WILL BE INFORMED THAT IT IS IN MEMORY OF TIM AND HIS LOVE OF THE GAME.

i will ALWAYS remember that on the first valentines day after tim's passing i was so proud of the man that will be in my heart forever.

thanks for checking in

tammy

heart day

a quick update...

i am fine.

i know everyone is concerned about how my valentines weekend is going and i have to admit i am doing pretty well. maybe because this will be the first one in about 22 years that i will not have to yell at tim for getting me roses on the most expensive day of the year!!!

kids are keeping me busy.

another dewalt injury has ashley back to the doctor...skiing accident. just got word-nothing broken but could be looking at a damaged rotator cuff. (lets just hope it is just some severe bruising and swelling and nothing too major). she is on heavy duty anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxants.

thanks for checking in

tammy

good intentions

sorry for the long delay...it seemed like everytime i wanted to update the blog i would either get distracted or the kids would be on the computer.

not too much new to talk about. i am still getting lots of nice cards and notes and they are so appreciated-thank you. yesterday was a little tough. i was home alone all day and it was a long one. for someone who had problems remembering her own wedding anniversary you wouldn't think the the 9th of the month would bother her (tim passed on the 9th of january). maybe it was partially a relief that i made it though a whole month and survived. i had flashbacks all day to the last couple of days that tim was around. i thank GOD for the chance that we had to know that the end was near and that we could say everything we needed to say...but there is not a day that goes by that i don't wish i had him back for just a couple of minutes to just say one more thing or ask him one more question or tell him how much i loved him one more time. (i would even sit through watching a basketball game with him if i could)

no one could have told me that i would be missing him this much...it is a real bummer.

a friend of mine sent me a song that had special meaning for her (for a slightly different reason) but is has certainly blessed me a ton (thanks flo).

HELD
Natlaie Grant

...
"who told us we'd be resued?
what has changed, and why should we be saved from nightmares?
we're asking why this happens to us who have died to live, it's unfair,

THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HELD
HOW IT FEELS, WHEN THE SACRED IS TORN FROM YOUR LIFE
AND YOU SURVIVE.
THIS IS WHAT IT IS TO BE LOVED AND TO KNOW
THAT THE PROMISE WAS WHEN EVERYTHING FELL
WE'D BE HELD"


this is only a portion of the song. i am sure you can google it and get all the lyrics but the part that touches me the most is the last line: the promise was when everything fell we'd be held

everything in my life feels as though it has fallen so now i just need to be held. i am so glad that we have that promise that God is there to hold us when we need to be held.

thanks for checking in

tammy

Blessed....

it has not even been a month since tim is gone yet there are times that i can still almost hear him clear as day...like when i am "blogging" in the middle of the night because i can't sleep i know EXACTLY what he would say if he walked around the corner. (and it wouldn't be the nicest conversation...but i always said that if i can't sleep i can't sleep and laying there is not going to make me fall asleep...so i might as well get up and do something).

i was laying there...thinking...i know it doesn't happen all that often so i should take advantage of it. although i feel like an "open" book to all of you out there in cyberspace there are many many thoughts and feeling that i haven't yet shared (nor am i sure that i will share). but yesterday morning was one of those mornings that i am being somewhat "led" to share so here i go:

i declared yesterday to be "the day of the paperwork"...and i must admit that i was quite proud of myself. i had a "to do" list and was able to check off EVERY ITEM on the list (until the mail came and i had a whole new list again...but that is for another day). i filled out forms and i made copies of social security cards and birth certificates and marriage certificates and drivers licences and short certificates. i called "help lines" consistently throughout the morning because i was stuck here or there on a form (especially the 5 page one that seemed to be in another language). but little by little my list got shorter and i had time to pay some bills.

now this is where it gets weird...when i am home alone i blast the music in my house (don't tell the kids because i am always telling them to turn it down). i am sitting at my kitchen table listening to praise and worship music and paying bills and i just start sobbing. yes...pretty much uncontrollable and the funny part is that it was NOT because i was sad or upset or discouraged...it was because this song came on and i felt so OVERWHELMINGLY BLESSED.

yes i am in the process of using up all the paid copies of my husbands certified death certificates and paying what was leftover from last month and into this months bills and i feel blessed!!! the only way to explain it is that for the first time in a long time (THANKS TO YOUR GENEROUS UNBELIEVABLE OUTPOURING OF FINANCIAL SUPPORT) i was able to sit down and start with the top bill and pay all the way down to the bottom bill without having to pick and choose which ones got paid first. i tallyed up what i owed and then i looked to see what i had and there was just enough to pay every one of them. amazing. (that could be a sermon in itself right there).

it was such "a moment" that i had to just sit for a minute and give GOD all the praises that i could muster up at the time. i was sitting there singing at the top of my lungs (be glad you weren't there for that-be very glad) the song that follows "blessed be your name" . if you are not familiar with it-read the lyrics...they are amazing.

Blessed be your nameIn the land that is plentifulWhere the streams of abundance flowBlessed be your name
Blessed be your nameWhen I'm found in the desert placeThough I walk through the wildernessBlessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praiseWhen the darkness closes in, LordStill I will say...Blessed be the name of the LordBlessed be your nameBlessed be the name of the LordBlessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your nameWhen the sun's shining down on meWhen the world's all as it should beBlessed be your name
Blessed be your nameOn the road marked with sufferingThough there's pain in the offeringBlessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praiseWhen the darkness closes in, LordStill I will say...Blessed be the name of the LordBlessed be your nameBlessed be the name of the LordBlessed be your glorious name
You give and take awayYou give and take awayMy heart will choose to say Lord, Blessed be your name

today i went to the bank and retrieved "57" copies of checks that individuals and companies have sent into the TRUST FOR THE KIDS...yes "57"...WOW...but there were just as many of you out there who must know how the system works and know that there is a HUGE gap in the time you apply for benefits and the time you actually get the benefits and chose to be my blessing this month. THANK YOU ALL. i can not begin to tell you what it has meant to me (and my family) to be able to stress about other stuff and not financial stuff. ('cause i have to admit i was a bit freaked out there for a bit when tim's last pay check was january 9th) but GOD is good!!! HE heard my cries and you all responded.

for every blessing you pour out i turn back to praise...i guess i have a lot more praising to do. i apologize that i have not gotten around to sending out the hundreds of thank you cards yet...they are coming (i promise) but i just wanted to share a little cyber-thank you this morning. i find it hard sometimes to fathom just how much we have been blessed-i hope you can just catch a glimpse here and there and accept my heart-felt gratitude.

thanks for checking in

tammy

ps...keep praying for the kids. kelsey came home sick again yesterday and ashley still hasn't gotten over her respiratory issues.

it's snowing....

...yeah.

just a little update to let everyone know that we are fine (for the most part). i survived my working 4 out of 5 days feeling guilty that i had sick kids at home...this single working parent gig is not going to be any fun!!! the twins are battling a wicked cold, sore throat, wacko stomach, headache, ect...

kelsey missed two days of school and ashley came home early yesterday. i guess there is a lot of "stuff" going around. i am still coughing (since late december). they are coughing...sounds like a TB asylum over here at night.

i am really tired...haven't been sleeping well.

tomorrow i am determined to get the last of my paperwork stuff done. i went and picked up the certified documents that the courthouse needed to provide and i think i can finally proceed with the rest of my stuff. i am hoping that a few more hours should be all that i need to wrap things up.

social security is finally taken care of...thankfully.

i have a lot more to say but my brain is fried and my fingers are dyslexic tonight so i am going to take a break and try to get some sleep.

thanks for checking in

tammy.

happy groundhog day...

...looks like that "predicted" storm may just head out to the ocean. i guess that is good, since i still haven't gotten rid of all this ice-stuff from the last storm. i do wish we could just have one nice big SNOW storm-just snow-no "wintery mix"-just snow.

the day after the BIG GAME...the members of my family were very happy with the outcome. i chose to not "party" last night and i am glad that i made that decision (but thanks for all the invites). it is funny how certain things get me emotional...watching the start of that silly game and i was a mess. i guess there will be a lot of things that will be my "first time without tim" things. i might as well start my list now: this was my first super bowl without tim and i made it though about 11 minutes (combined). i watched the start and the end of the first half (which was sweet by the way) and then the last 3 minutes of the game with kelsey (also sweet).

sometimes being around family and friends make life easier and sometimes being around family and friends make it harder...so i apologize if i excuse myself from some events but give me some time and i will get through this (and then you won't know how to get rid of me).

i have two days of work down and two more to go. keep praying.

kelsey is home sick today...not quite sure exactly what she has going on yet. quite a combination of symptoms. something else to pray for.

i wanted to say thanks to everyone out there who have sent me so many nice cards, many of which contain their own personal experiences and suggestions for what they did in similar situations. it is nice to know that others have had similar feelings and struggles and have survived. (there is hope for me)

i am NOT a support group kind of person. i have nothing against them at all but i just don't feel that they are for me. there are many days that i feel that this blog had been a support system for me...i have been blessed so many times by something that someone has said or done based on my blogs. THANK YOU cyberspace pals.

laundry calls. have a great day.

thanks for checking in

tammy